The Absolute M&M

I have a tough time writing these days, but I can't help but wonder if that's a good thing. I look back on nearly every decent thing I've written and I realize that in every instance, every good story and poetic short, I was in some way unsatisfied with my life. I guess that's why I haven't been annoyed by my lack of creativity or pursuit of the absolute; seemingly making up for what I couldn't change in life. Sure, you might say killing children on Halloween or delightful suicide dialogue would quench whatever dissatisfaction I have in life like a cup of industrial bleach cures constipation, but you'd be wrong; it seemed like everything I used to write would just depress me more, which would make me want to write... what's hard is that I could never be satisfied - you have no idea how many times I've written my Halloween short, and to this day I still think it looks like it was written by a 15 year old.

What comes next is this sort of tied relationship between writing and the depression I've been able to avoid for quite some time. So I avoid writing, which is kind of annoying because I wish I could come up with some good ideas. My last good idea bagged Maja, so some good has to come of it, right?

So here I am with Luci on the floor, playing with a bag of mint M&Ms. She's pretty happy, which makes daddy pretty happy. So I guess that's the placement for my blog topic tonight, even though I haven't written a blog since, well, my first. I could write on and on about Luci, that's easy, but what isn't easy is writing about me... at least not so much anymore, especially when I'm in a good mood.

I can't wait for school, and I just can't understand why I didn't go back sooner. It's as though I turned 18 and just hit the ground running and I've never stopped. I've never stopped to think where it would take me or where I wanted to go. So here I am, 6 years later; a job I'm not happy with in a career field I've never liked. Not once, in six years, have I been satisfied with my "career", because I never looked at is as a career, just a job, and I'll continue to see it that way because I just don't want what a dislike to be half of my life. I guess this was never an issue until now, now that my life outside work is stable; it's my obsession to have the absolute, or at least close to it.

And that's where I land myself, stuck in a position where all my hard work pits me with an 19 year old and a college student who works half his shift, both making the same wage as me. I'm trying not to get burnt out, but it's getting harder to, well, work hard. I want my work to have meaning, it's what takes me away from my family more than I'd like, but every time I try and take it all seriously, I realize how juvenile the sales profession really is.

So my question: when will I get to play with my bag of mint M&Ms?

And since this isn't meant to be a negative blog, I'll answer. I think I've found the key to happiness, to find a normal that isn't what I'm used to. What used to depress me about life? C'mon, if you're my sister, you'll know it was mostly women. It wasn't until I found someone normal that I could say I was, finally, truely happy. And it wasn't that Maja was normal - or is normal - because she's totally not... it's that she's comfortable, she makes me feel normal, and that's quite a feat.

I can't keep settling for a career life that leaves me heartbroken and blogging about what could be or what could have been, because we all know how well that fixed my other issues in the past. I need to move on and see other jobs, and eventually marry that new job, and have little job babies - and in that specific order like a good Catholic would - and hope my little job-baby doesn't grow into what a frickin' nutball I was when I was a kid... wait, I forgot where I was going with this.

Oh yes, I remember.

My bag of M&Ms is full of candy, but I'll never understand how fun that bag could be if I just emptied it out and rolled around on the floor with it. Life doesn't have to be that complex, and sometimes a bag is all you need to be completely happy.

Well, boobies and airplane rides help.